“ What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. ”

“ Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't. ”

“ God created war so that Americans would learn geography. ”

“ I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. ”

“ Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. ”

“ Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. ”

“ Classic′ - a book which people praise and don't read. ”

“ Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. ”

“ I have not the pleasure of understanding you. ”

“ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ”

“ It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. ”

“ I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal. ”