“ A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment. ”

“ He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. ”

“ Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting. ”

“ A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly. ”

“ I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” ”

“ Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. ”

“ The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no cat. ”

“ By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. ”

“ There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sounds egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity. ”

“ It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. ”

“ If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything. ”

“ The function of muscle is to pull and not to push, except in the case of the genitals and the tongue. ”